To love and be love is supposed to be the ultimate feeling and pinnacle of happiness, well at least it for many people. I’m not one of them. I fear love; I fear the volatility of love, I fear my own inadequacy, I fear emotional turmoil, but mostly I fear the heartache.
I have never been able to love calmly. I love intensely and if this intensity isn’t reciprocated, I experience heartache that cannot be put into words. It tears me up, rips my soul out, destroys my self-confidence. It becomes all-consuming. When I finally piece my heart together, I put up walls that are high and barbed so that they can be climbed or permeated them.
I have reserved a chamber in my heart for my very special people, those people who I love regardless of their actions and who love me regardless of my shortcomings. These people take up the most space in my heart.
There have been three serious relationships in my life. One before I got married, then with the man I married and then one years after my divorce. Each one of these has almost destroyed me.
My dilemma is that I get lonely, that I would love to have a good man in my life, but I know that I just can’t face another heartache. Just the thought of the extreme highs and extreme lows of a romantic relationship scares the living daylights out of me.
There is a line in the movie Nottinghill that feels so apt to me:
William Thacket to Anna Scott: “The thing is, with you I’m in real danger. It seems like a perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours, but my relatively inexperienced heart would I fear not recover if I was, once again, cast aside as I would absolutely expect to be. There’s just too many pictures of you, too many films. You know, you’d go and I’d be… uh, well buggered basically.”
I really do want a ‘happily ever after’ partnership. I want the romance, I want the trust and togetherness, I even want the squabbles and mundane day-to-day things. Mostly I just want to feel safe, emotionally and physically. After three failed long-term relationships, I haven’t been able to make this happen. So, the big question is; Is it me? Am I incapable of long-term love. The answer is most likely a resounding yes; because I am afraid!
I can be guarded, I can be giving, I can shut myself off and I can open myself up, I can be lenient and I can be demanding, but I am always afraid. The complexities of being bipolar also play a role, but more than anything my fear of not being good enough and having my heart broken again, overrides everything else.
Many times I have heard the words: It’s better been to have loved and lost in love than to never love at all!
I am still holding out and hoping to find the courage to love again!
“Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reeds
Some say love it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger and never-ending need
I say love it is a flower and you’re its only seed,
It’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking that never takes a chance
It’s the one who won’t be taken who never seems to live
And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to leave,
When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love In the spring becomes the rose”