I had promised myself when I set out to write this blog that I would not present myself and the challenges in my life as desperate and insurmountable; I would be frank and honest, I would be a warrior. I havemanaged to keep this promise to myself, so far.
Today I am feeling sad, just feeling very sad. I wasn’t even going to mention this, but then I reminded myself that I had also set out to be brutally honest about my bipolar life. So I will tell it like it is.
Today I am not depressed, I am just sad. There is an overwhelming sadness that sometimes envelops me and holds me hostage. There is no reason for this sadness, it just pours itself into my heart and stays for a while.
I put on a brave face for the world around me and I cry inside. I cry for things I don’t know about. I hurt for people I have never seen. My heart aches for places beyond my reach. I am not crazy, I am not lost, I am just sad.
No one but me knows. I don’t want those around me to know. They will tell me to think about good things, to look on the bright side and that this too shall pass. They will want to know why I am sad and I cannot answer them. I am just sad right now.
Tonight I will bury my head under my pillow. I will feel immense gratitude for the many blessings in my life. I will think about my awesome child, my furry angels, my wonderful family, my amazing support system, my super competent colleagues and all the other good gifts that are so often bestowed on me. I will not feel discouraged or demotivated. I will just feel sad.
Perhaps tomorrow morning I won’t feel sad anymore …..