Yes I have bipolar personality, but that’s not all I am ; – I am also an undomesticated goddess.
I’ve tried, I’ve really tried to be the consummate domestic goddess, but sadly I have failed miserably! Make no mistake, I can organise, arrange, co-ordinate and decorate. These are really just business skills that spill over into the domestic terrain.
I am not the real deal at all, so I have decided to just come clean and put it out there, I’m a domestic disappointment!
I come from a lineage of domestic queens;- women who can whip up culinary delights, bake slices of heaven, sew, embroider, knit, crochet and even make hats. I on the other have the grand total of five things that I can serve up with a semblance of confidence. These are a green salad, spaghetti Carbonaro, spaghetti Bolognaise, spaghetti Alfredo and my piece de resistance, garlic bread.
There are only so many times that I can serve guests the same dish before my cover is blown and my pride comes tumbling down. In fact, I am teetering on the brink as I write.
I have attempted to compensate for my lack of skill by purchasing serviettes (I have an exceptional collection), floral arrangements, exquisite serving spoons, french champagne and even the odd embroidered apron. These peripheral trappings give me limited mileage down the domestic trajectory.
Guests ultimately accept a dinner invitation for the food, not the place mats and polished silver cutlery.
There is also the little dilemma of what to serve. Even though I have five ‘dishes’ together these only equate to three meals ;-
- Spaghetti Carbonaro with green salad and garlic bread
- Spaghetti Bolognaise with the salad and bread
- Spaghetti Alfredo with the same
As a result no one receives more than three dinner invitations, in a lifetime.
There have been multiple times where I have attempted to take my gastronomic prowess to new levels. Tragically the best that has out of these endeavours is the gourmet names I have served up with each domestic faux pas.
I also experience grocery shopping anxiety (which I blame on my bipolar). I am unenthused by supermarkets, they remind me of my shortcomings and cast me into panic and blank-mindedness.
My current shopping repertoire consists mostly of ;-
- fabric softener with aromatherapeutic fragrances
- Himalayan salt grinders (I buy these often because they are somewhat sexy)
- serviettes, paper towels, dog food
- cupcakes (I buy lots of these)
- pink sauce (this can mask most cooking catastrophes)
- pasta (in all forms)
- tomato paste (I once read that this is high in some kind of ‘flavanoid’)
- antiseptic hand wash, whitening toothpaste,
- bottled water, long life milk (all variations)
And lettuce. I love buying lettuce, it’s interesting, herbaceous and is a fashionable fresh green colour. It is actually quite attractive!
A couple of years ago, in a last-ditch attempt to overcome my supermarket phobia, I attempted online shopping. It is safe to say that although I can create an impressive spreadsheet and conjure up staggering statistics, I am an astoundingly disappointing online grocery shopper.
I shudder to think what went through the ‘pickers’ and ‘packers’ minds when they put my order together. Even the gentleman who delivered the order seemed somewhat bemused when he realised that I lived in normal suburban household and I didn’t manage a four star hotel.
As it turned out I thought I was ordering in ‘pieces’ when I was actually ordering in kilograms. 6 Chicken breasts arrived as 6 kilograms of chicken breasts. 12 Toilet rolls where in fact 12 packs of 12 toilet rolls each.
You’re probably asking yourself: “Didn’t she realise by the total bill that she’d made a mistake?” The simple answer is no. Having hardly ever done a proper grocery shop, I’m ashamed to say, I was clueless as to the cost of normal household goods.
I was however rather taken aback at the escalation in food price, but then I thought that this was mostly likely the reason that my friends lamented the rising cost of living. I did earn a handsome amount of loyalty points though, which I later spent on serviettes, salt grinders, bottled water and a good paperback novel.
To make matters worse there is the little problem of my accident prone temperament. (I suspect it’s because my mind is always a-buzzing with thoughts and non-domestic related things).
I have had gem squash explode in my hands, endured horrific burns to my fingers and severed the tip of my thumb while trying to crush a crustacean shell. I have also set my kitchen cupboard alight after an attempt at rescuing some or other dish of sorts.
I am a damsel of dining disaster!
There is however hope as I was blessed with a fabulous daughter who appears to be carrying on the domestic lineage. She will be celebrating her 21st birthday next year and I may resort to extreme bribery in a valiant attempt at ensuring that she never leaves home. This way I can at least appear to be upholding the family reputation.
I do however fear that should she decide to move on, my fate as a domestic tragedy will be firmly sealed forever!
I guess I wasn’t born with a silverspoon in my mouth.