On Friday I had an extremely emotional session with my therapist. You see, I have handbags and handbags (in all different shapes, sizes and colours), crammed full of emotional baggage. Sometimes out of the blue one of the zippers breaks and then the contents of the bag come spilling out. Friday was one of those days.
I cried for most of the day; – the consequence of which is that I woke up with a pounding headache the following morning and prize-winning bags under my eyes. I medicated myself with two rather strong headache tablets and when the pounding began to slow down, a funny little thought just popped into my head; – “OK, so I have bags under my eyes, well then I’ll start a fashionable ‘eye-bag’ trend and name the one bag Coco and the other bag Chanel.” They say that small things amuse small minds; – I must have a tiny mind!
It’s no secret that I love reading and regurgitating quotes. It is really refreshing and enlightening to have a glimpse into the ways in which others perceive the world.
Last year my daughter bought me a book of quotes. These quotes are not typically astute observations but rather those the hilarious, irreverent, ‘how the hell did they think of that’, type. The book is titled “The funniest Thing You Never Said” by Rosemarie Jarski.
Get your hands on it if you can, it’ll put a smile on your face and give you a little, tongue-in-cheek kind of chuckle (and confirm that you’re at least normal or as crazy as the rest of them!)
Here are some of the lines that amused me;-
On recreational activities:
“There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot!” – Steve Wright
“Definition of a gentleman: someone who knows how to play bagpipes, but doesn’t.” – Al Cohn
“A portrait is a picture in which there is something wrong with the mouth.” – Eugene Speicher
I identify with this quote (well at least it clearly describes all the portraits I’ve ever drawn)!
Retail therapy or not?
“Everything at IKEA is self-assembly. I bought a pillow, and they gave me a duck.” – Todd Glass
“Extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.” – Franklin Adams
“My wife had plastic surgery. I cut up all her credit cards.” – Henny Youngman
“Do you have bad credit or just bad taste?” – Carson Kressley
Some words on the eternal drudgery of housework;-
“Housework can kill you if done right.” – Erma Bombeck
“I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.” – Phyllis Diller
“You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.” – Zach Galifianakis
Food glorious food! (especially the British version!)
“The great British contribution to world cuisine is the chip.” – John Cleese
“I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.” – George Burns
“Happiness is finding two olives in your martini when you’re hungry.” – Johnny Carson
“Fish and chips and, what’s this? Avocado dip?” – Peter Mandelson about mushy peas
The television saga:
“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“You don’t own a TV? What’s all your furniture pointed at?” – Joey Tribbiani, Friends
And then there’s the ‘animal farm’:
“A race horse is the only animal that can take thousands of people for a ride at the same time.” – Herbert Prochnow
“What is it with chimpanzees and that middle parting? It’s so 1920’s.” – Harry Hill
“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?” – Rita Rudner
“Dogs come when they are called. Cats take a message and get back to you.” – Mary Bly
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equal.” – Winston Churchill
Some thoughts on flying that echo my sentiments on flying:
“I like terra firma. The more firma, the less terra.” – George S. Kaufman
“If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.” – Jonathan Winters
“You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.” – Rita Rudner
“When I’m on a plane, I can never get my seat to recline more than a couple of centimetres, but the guy in front of me – his seat comes back far enough for me to do dental work on him.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“Gunter’s Second Law of Air Travel: the strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of the coffee.” – Nicholas Gunter
I suspect that these were written especially for me:
“What’s chips minus the ‘c’, girls?” – Peter Kay
“You know you’re on a diet when cat food commercials make you hungry.” – Andy Bumatai
“Nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.” – Nora Ephron (Well said Nora)!
Finally some ‘Universal Laws’ that just tickled my fancy!
“If you play with anything long enough it will break.” – Murphy’s Law
Preudhomme’s Law of Window Cleaning: it’s on the other side.” – Winston Preudhomme
“Everything tastes more or less like chicken.” – Paul Dickson
“When all else fails, read the instructions.” – Anon
“When all else fails, and the instructions are missing – kick it.” – Anon
Hopefully you had a chuckle or a smile, because after all, what is life if we can’t have a laugh at it every now and then.
Here’s to the ‘funny side’!